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Why you need to regulate your emotions and 5 ways to do it.

Writer's picture: Sam StoneSam Stone
emotion regulation

When thinking of a picture for this blog post, I wanted something to represent harmony. And then I could not get the image of puppies out of my head, because... what could be more soothing than a sleeping puppy? In this post, I aim to demystify a concept that a lot of people are working towards. This is my take on what regulation is and how to achieve it.


What is emotional dysregulation?


Have you ever ‘seen red’ in a situation? Been triggered to the point where you no longer have much control over your actions? The anger and rage that you felt may have swept you into having a huge fight with your partner or parent.


Or maybe there is less of an explosive response to emotion dysregulation, but instead you find yourself on the other end of the spectrum where you find yourself following a pattern of self sabotage. You may find yourself on autopilot doing the same exact things you vowed to no longer do. This could be more to do with habits such as smoking, vaping, drinking, eating. It could also look like spending, procrastinating, avoiding, and even negative self talk.


Let me share an analogy with you I learned in school of what happens in the brain when big feelings are triggered in some way.


The amygdala (fight/flight/freeze/fawn part of the brain) will take the role of the monkey. The monkey is super loud, has little to no inhibition, and only cares about food, survival, procreation, social hierarchy. It’s like a bull in a China shop, when it wants to get what it wants.


The hippocampus (the memory centre part of the brain) will play the mediator. The mediator is a peacekeeper and an excellent listener, interpreter, communicator, and advisor. They work hard to communicate with everyone who lives within the skull.


The pre-frontal cortex (the thinking and executive functioning part of the brain) will play the role of the librarian. The librarian is kind of the new kid on the team. They are very softly spoken, so its important that it is quiet enough in the room to hear them. They are very neat, tidy and organised.


These individuals all work very well together all day every day with so many situations that we aren’t even aware of. Until they don’t work together well at all. Basically, what can sometimes happen is when we are triggered. Let’s say for example you are highly sensitive to criticism, have never addressed this, and someone gives you a critique on something. There might be another situation that is more specific to you.


The monkey becomes highly activated interpreting a threat, so much so, that the mediator, inexplicably falls asleep! With no one to communicate between the monkey and the librarian, which one do you think will come through the strongest?


The monkey will show itself whether you like it or not. When this happens, do not worry. This is nothing to be ashamed of, and you can change it. What we have to do is, slowly work towards keeping the mediator awake for long enough, so that effective listening and communication can happen. Then you have the power to act the way you want to act, come across the way you want to come across.


What is emotional regulation?


Emotion regulation means that you feel balanced and calm, you’re in control and able to take on your day to day challenges. On a scale of zero – ten, where zero could be that you are so relaxed that you could fall asleep, and ten is that you are very activated, emotion regulation occurs roughly between three and seven. In this space, you are both relaxed and alert enough to take in information, to converse, to function.


Why you should take steps in learning how to emotionally regulate.

When you are able to regulate your emotions, your whole nervous system stays within a range of safety. It means that you are far less likely to act impulsively in whatever you are doing and whoever you are with. It also means that you can think things through.


It also means that you will have sustained, steady energy for longer. And while your body is in this zone of safety, it’s ability to regulate hormones, the digestive system, the cardiac system will be optimal, allowing for healing. Emotion regulation literally helps heal the body, because as an organism, its primary objective is health. So emotion regulation helps us ‘get out of our own way’, so that our bodies are allowed to do its thing (Porges, 2022).


Emotion regulation will help us achieve whatever we want too. When our emotions and nervous systems are in a state of safety, the mediator part of the brain will stay awake enough to allow for the safe passage of intel and communication between the monkey and the librarian. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, click here to scroll directly to the analogy I mentioned earlier in this post.


What are your health and wellness goals? Do you want to have better eating, sleeping, movement habits but find that something always gets in the way? What are your hopes for your relationships? Do you want more depth and genuine connection in your interactions? What are your creativity, occupation or career goals? Do you want more freedom and less interference in your self-expression and creativity? What are you time and money goals? Although money is not necessarily finite, time sure is. Both can be valued as such. Do you want to work towards better financial health? Do you want to experience more peace and presence with your time?


Paying attention to emotion regulation can help you get what you want and help you get you to where you want to be in your situation, circumstances and relationships. I know that there are also huge external circumstances in which you have no control, which will make this harder for a lot of people. However, by paying some attention to this one thing, that is within your control, it will give you tremendous power and agency towards your goals (Pruessner et al, 2020).


How to regulate your emotions in whatever context you want.


Check in with yourself regularly.


Open up the notes app on your phone and note down how you are feeling emotionally and physically periodically throughout the day for one week. This will develop your language to properly label your emotions when they come up. Notice patterns. Don’t discount or minimise negative emotions by gaslighting yourself and telling yourself “I have no reason to feel this way” or “I should be grateful because”.


Learn how to be with discomfort.


Breathe. Exhale slowly. A good exercise is box breathing (in for a count of four, hold for a count of four, exhale for a count of four, hold for a count of four). Navy seals are said to do this in combat. Even better if you can, breathe in for a count of four and exhale for a count of eight. As one yoga teacher told me “relaxation is in the exhalation”. I thought that was catchy as hell.


Spend time with people who you feel safe to be yourself around.


We are wired for connection, and being around people we feel safe with elicits secretion of oxytocin. To feel the full effects of this, make sure you laugh so much with them, that your face hurts, and give them a six second hug. Yikes, I know that is a really long time, but a quick air kiss will not have the same effect.


Sleep.


Poor or little sleep will significantly lessen our cognitive ability, as well as our ability to regulate. They say that sleeping less than 6 hours per night can really impair decision making, and make our ‘window of tolerance’ even narrower! This means that it will take much less to shift us into a state of dysregulation. But good sleep is restorative and will help you be at your best most favorite version of yourself.


Move your body.


Do any sort of movement that you enjoy! If you do exercise that you don’t enjoy, then this will negatively impact our emotion regulation. It increases cortisol levels, which increases inflammation and narrows your window of tolerance and willpower in general. Instead, do exercise that makes your body feel good in the moment, so you’ll more likely want to connect with it than disconnect from it. Stretching, yoga, walking and swimming can be amazing for getting rid of stress, while increasing feelings of balance and connectedness to our own beings.


References


Porges, S. (2022). Polyvagal theory: A science of safety. Frontiers in Integrative Neuroscience, 16. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnint.2022.871227


Pruessner, L., Barnow, S., Holt, D. V., Joormann, J., & Schulze, K. (2020). A cognitive control framework for understanding emotion regulation flexibility. Emotion, 20(1), 21–29. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000658


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Sam Stone Therapy

I respectfully acknowledge that I am a settler on the unceded and ancestral territory of the syilx people, and I accept my responsibility to humbly educate myself and act for the advancement of decolonization on these lands. 

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