Today I was triggered. I told my partner that I was glad he is doing so well financially lately, because he might need to support us for a minute until I can find myself a job. He was understandably concerned and reacted by pointing out that a financially unequal partnership will not work for him.
A trigger occurs when a situation elicits a strong emotional reaction. A triggered response can sometimes seem disproportionate to what is happening in the moment, because more often than not, its about much more than that.
For me, there was SO MUCH more than what was happening in the moment that I low-key lost it. I was angry and upset and crying. I simultaneously felt insulted that he felt he had to warn me of this and also that he was stating the obvious. I have been so stressed about finding work and making money that I thought it went without saying that this is not a situation I wanted for us.
Clearly I have been carrying this experience with me up until this moment and therefore this current experience is being ‘filtered through’ this chronic, low level, ever present stressor, and perhaps even more stuff from the past that I might not even be totally conscious of in this moment.
Getting through triggers is easier said than done, however it gets so much easier with practice and an awareness of when you are triggered. And this is how I was able to get through this one and what I teach people who I work with:
1. Breathe.
Anger, hurt, sadness, fear, disgust, as well as every single emotion, has a corresponding physical feeling. These difficult emotions will likely correspond with shallow breaths, or breath holding, and this is going to prolong and perpetuate the emotions, and is going to make it really difficult for your higher authority, your compassionate mind, or your inner grown-ass-woman/man/person to have any say to help you regulate.
So breathe. Relaxation is in the exhalation, so while you inhale, visualize you filling all four corners of your lungs with air, and exhale for a little bit longer than when you inhaled. Rinse and repeat for just a couple of minutes and you’ll be amazed of how much better you will already feel.
2. Practice separating yourself from the story that your mind is telling you.
Imagine being able to take off a pair of sunglasses, look at them with neutral curiosity, and replace them with another pair of sunglasses. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy uses the concept of “cognitive diffusion” to explain the power that we have of becoming separate from the stories that our minds tell us, or in this analogy, the filters that our eyes see things through.
You don’t have to necessarily replace the story or the sunglasses, but you can separate yourself from them by simply being aware that the story your mind is telling you, may not be the truth.
Brene Brown offers a really cool suggestion of saying the phrase “the story my mind is telling me is…” and complete the sentence with the assumption you are experiencing.
3. Practice self acceptance.
This one is really crucial after experiencing a big trigger because your emotions and physical feelings are real and valid. Having a reaction that seems to be disproportionate to the situation can be confusing and embarrassing. It may be tempting to think that you overreacted and you might have even been told that by the other person in the situation.
Thankfully for us, we have both grown together and witnessed each other be triggered so much over the years, that we know how to communicate with each other, and be accepting and compassionate with each other. Therefore I can tell you that this step becomes very easy if the first two are also practiced.
You can practice self acceptance by giving yourself time to process the trigger. Please don’t expect yourself to ‘get over it’, as you are having a real, visceral, physiological response. You can help move things along by going for a walk, dancing, doing jumping jacks and even finding an opportunity to laugh our loud.
You can also practice self acceptance by naming the emotion and physical feeling and exploring where it may have come from.
I hope this is helpful. Please reach out if you’d like to work with me on your counselling journey!
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