Maybe you have been in this situation before, or seen it happen in someone else. You enter in a conversation that should not and does not need to feel ‘high-stakes’, but for some reason, it does? Maybe it is with your boss, college professor, mother-in-law? Maybe even a colleague, or even an acquaintance?
Even though, objectively, it is a harmless interaction, you are having to try your best to ignore or manage the pressure rising in your head, the tension in your jaw and chest and the lump in your throat. You try your best to steady your voice before it quivers. The build-up of emotions bubble and literally spill over into tears.
Embarrassment and shame follow in quick succession, while the person you are conversing with means well, but is uncomfortable themselves, and tries to tell you things like: “I didn’t mean to make you upset”, or “don’t cry”. This feels even worse and now the tears have evolved into a different meaning.
Breaking down like this has little to do with being sad, but has more to do with being overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Tears contain the stress hormone, cortisol and so it is very helpful to think of crying as a way the body releases any excess stress it may be carrying. The act of crying also has the potential of decreasing cortisol production, but not if you’re breaking down in ‘an inconvenient time!’
The embarrassment and shame that follows would likely increase its production further!
Then there is the reaction from the other person. This is crucial, because if you have not been able to contain the overwhelm and overstimulation yourself, then it can feel even more intense if the other person is also unable to ‘handle’ or ‘contain’ it.
Side note:
What I mean when I talk about ‘containing’ emotions, is if you were to imagine a literal container, like your coffee cup, or your old Chinese take-out container. If you imagine this vessel as a metaphor for your ability to ‘handle’, ‘contain’ or tolerate emotions. Then you imagine your emotions as the liquid or food item. Then you can see that the space within the container is finite, and we each have our thresholds. If the container is full, then there will not be any more space to fit anything else in. Too much stuff in it, and it will overflow.
Therefore, it is going to be really helpful for you if the person you are talking to can stay calm themselves, emotionally attune with you, as in, just be able to acknowledge that you are overwhelmed, and help you feel safe and comfortable.
It is wild how effective this is at dissipating the stress.
You can turn this support in on yourself too, by giving yourself the kindness you deserve. You can recognise that crying is a normal and adaptive response to stress, and take it as a message to you from your body, rather than feel shame for it.
This will help you create some room in your container to be able to investigate what is going on further. When you get to this space, use these journal prompts to explore to overwhelm a bit further. This is a case-by-case, situation-by-situation exercise, so please, just bring to mind one situation at a time when asking yourself:
What was I afraid of, if anything?
What does this relationship mean to me?
How important is it that I be at my best in this situation?
What was the most stressful thing about this moment?
When has this happened before?
Make some notes about a time you were in a situation where the meaning of the relationship was similar, or the same fears or stress presented, and it went well.
What is your idea of emotional acceptance? Have you experienced this from another person, or from yourself?
I hope this is helpful! Please book your free consultation call if you would like experience in emotional attunement, and practice in emotional acceptance.
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