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How keep your relationships solid AND get what you want.

Writer's picture: Sam StoneSam Stone

Interpersonal effectiveness is at the foundation of social skills, which helps you be taken seriously, get your needs met, and get what you want.


solid relationship. interpersonal effectiveness.


I have met people all over the interpersonal effectiveness spectrum, where one end is very effective and the other end isn't so much. I'll always remember a conversation I once had with a client who was worried that they were too good at getting what they wanted, and too good at getting their needs met. They felt guilty for it, as if they were being manipulative. But although interpersonal effectiveness and manipulation are essentially the same thing, together we were able to distiguish the difference between them, in particular, its intent. For example, wth interpersonal effectiveness, there is empathy, a sense of "we", and what is in the best interests of themselves and others. Wheras manipulation is more about power, dominance and meeting your own needs at the expense of others. It can stem from fear, and is not a great way to be liked by others.


Meanwhile, there are lots of people who have never been able to develop interpersonal effectiveness skills for one reason or another. These people still have needs, and still try to get them met, but just are not great at it. I used to hate it when I heard people say "ignore them, they're only trying to get attention". I was like... "duh!!" We all need attention! Some of the most basic human needs are to feel heard, understood and cared for. Unfortunately though interpersonal effectivenss is a learned skill. We are not born with it. Therefore too many people struggle to get their needs met while making or maintaining genuine connection.


Interpersonal effectiveness is just a posh way of saying "getting your needs met while keeping your relationships strong". Add dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) accronym "GIVE" to your tool belt.


G - (be) gentle.


Be gentle and respectful. That means leave any signs of contempt (eye rolling, teeth sucking, mocking, tutting), criticism or blame at the door. Instead describe the situation plainly without exagguaration. Ask for what it is you need and what the natural consequances could be for not getting these needs met. Explain what your feelings are about the situation, and assert yourself in a respectful way.


I - (act) interested.


Listen to what the other person is saying with patience and curiosity. Signs that you are doing this may include leaning in and eye contact. Just as long as you are not interrupting the other person, talking over them or making overt gestures with your body language indicating otherwise.


"The 'be Gentle, act Interested, Validate, use an Easy manner' (GIVE) skill is especially important for maintaining healthy relationships through effective communications." – DBT Tools

V - validate.


This is especially disarming for the other person, as you are demonstrating the basic human needs of being heard and understood. Show empathy by starting your sentence with "I know you are stressed" or "I can see that you are busy".


E - (use an) easy manner).


You might find that your sense of humour goes a long way. This can calm a negative attitude and be more engaging to the other person.


Experiment.


Try using this skill by first practicing with yourself. You can rehearse conversations and do this in the mirror, or while you're driving in the car. Then see if you can practice with a trusted, safe person. Eventually, you will have this in your back pocket to use whenever you need to with more challenging, anxiety provoking situations and people!


You've got this!


Your needs are valid. Your emotions are valid. You are worthy and deserving of advocating for yourself. And you are worthy and deserving of mantaiting healthy and genuine relationships all at the same time.


Reference


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I respectfully acknowledge that I am a settler on the unceded and ancestral territory of the syilx people, and I accept my responsibility to humbly educate myself and act for the advancement of decolonization on these lands. 

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