top of page
Search

How to not gaslight.

Writer's picture: Sam StoneSam Stone

Updated: Aug 3, 2024

Gaslighting is a term used to describe when someone is being led to believe that their reality is not true, by lying or denying other alternatives outright. Gaslighting is not disagreeing with someone. For example, if we went to the movie's together and I thought it was great and you didn't, I'm not gaslighting you for having a different opinion because I'm not denying your reality. I can still think and argue that the movie sucked.


The verb first came from the play “Gaslight” where a man was trying to convince his partner that she was going insane by denying her reality and perception. For example, if she thought that the gaslight was flickering and dimming in the attic, he would tell her that it is not flickering, and it must all be in her mind.


gaslight

Disclaimer: These blog posts are for informational purposes only and are largely based on my opinions, which are influenced by evidence and references. Anything said should not be taken as a replacement for clinical, professional advice, diagnosis, or clinical intervention. Nothing in this blog page is intended to replace services of a trained therapist or is a substitute for a therapist- client relationship, professional mental health diagnosis or treatment.


Why would someone gaslight?


There are multiple reasons why someone might do this. I have a few examples outlined here. To start, the origin of the word came from a movie and a story whereby one person was trying to gain control over another by manipulating them into mistrusting their own judgement, and their own intuition. This is obviously malicious and it only serves to benefit the perpetrator and harm the person being gaslighted. This example comes from someone who is fully conscious of their intentions and their impact and genuinely has no motivation to change it.


Another example is one that I hear about a lot, and its more subtle. Its when one person may be unintentionally gaslighting. Lets say for example during an argument or disagreement between two people, one person has a very strong emotional reaction. They have taken offense in some way and they are very upset. The other person may have unintentionally caused harm to the upset person, but tries to “calm the person down” by saying something like “calm down”, or “I’m sorry you feel that way”, or “you are so sensitive”, or “you’re overreacting”, or “I don’t know why you’re upset, I didn’t do anything wrong”. All this too, attempts to deny the upset’s person reality, which has the opposite effect of calming the person down, as it leads them further into the fight or flight mode, and to question themselves. We also see this a lot in politics and in our culture. For example, public health puts a lot of responsibility on individuals to make good food choices, blaming individuals for getting sick, or overweight, when there is clear evidence which argues multiple other factors. Such as: people from low socioeconomic areas are more stressed and are less likely to afford fresh produce, and less likely to have access to it. Older generations blame younger generations for being addicted to social media when social media was designed to be addictive. And indeed, addicts are thought to have bad morals, when there is so much contributing to the maintenance of addiction.


And yet another example is when gaslighting happens as a knee-jerk reaction to strong emotions. The person doing the gaslighting here may be fully conscious and aware that this behaviour is happening in the moment and yet will still feel compelled to continue denying the other person’s reality. This person may have guilt and remorse after the strong emotion has subsided, is motivated to change it because they realise the harm it causes and cares about the other person’s wellbeing, their relationship and their own integrity.


If you are still reading this, then you likely have some element of openness and curiosity to the idea of gaslighting and why someone would be motivated to do it. There are several things that come to mind for me for what I have seen in practice, in culture and in my own experience as a human being with flaws, and making mistakes.


  • There could be a need to be right. We do tend to seek confirmation of what we believe to be true. As humans, this can manifest itself into an expectation that others do or should have the same beliefs. Algorithms on social media and AI already know this and have produced our very own echo chamber comfort zones in the cyber world. So if this is challenged, it can feel uncomfortable and even jarring. This is interpreted by the nervous system as a threat. And what do we do with threats? We defend ourselves naturally. This might look like digging our heels in further to what we know to be right and getting into power struggles.


  • We could be too shut down to others’ experience. Our minds crave certainty, and it will look for certainty in order to feel safe. Our minds are also very creative and will therefore construct a narrative that helps the mind make sense of what the fuck is going on. If we lack in communication skills or if it generally feels too unsafe to communicate effectively with a person, then consulting with the mind is like the next best thing, as if we even have a choice. Our minds have done this ever since we were tiny little kids to help us cope with and make sense of difficult or distressing things. When the mind makes its mind up about something, it feels better instantly, because we think that we understand already. Therefore, why would you even bother opening up to another person’s experience? You already think that you know.


  • We feel caught out in a lie. That deer in a headlight feeling of being caught out can drive that panic response into defense mode and denying and lying your way back into being perceived as the person you want to portray yourself to be. We have been wired to invest our energy and resources into preserving attachment to others over our own authenticity. But this reason does look very different to the first two reasons listed here, which could be down to the fact that we so very desperately want to be perceived as a good person, which overall increases our likelihood as organisms of bonding with others and belonging, and decreases the risk of rejection.


The main themes here I can see of why someone might gaslight include feeling an air of superiority over others, feeling right and others wrong and feeling threatened in some way.


So how do we not do that?


 Exploring the reasons why we might resort to gaslighting already contradicts the underlying energy which fuels the act of gaslighting, because we are being open and curious about the behaviour. Do you feel that softening and spaciousness as you get to know it and work towards transforming it?


  • Even if you are right in that particular encounter, experience, or argument, notice the impulse to shut down or defend yourself and see if you can stay open a while longer, to learn any new information. Stay open and curious about the other person’s experience. We want to work towards making the environment safe enough for the people within it to be able to express themselves safely, without being cut off, or criticised.


  • Ask the person to help you understand. If you are still struggling to understand, there is nothing wrong with asking for some help with that. If is appropriate and respectful, tell the person what your mind is telling you about the situation and ask if there are any edits to be made.

  • If gaslighting for you is because you are being caught out in a lie, it might feel almost impossible to be truthful if it means risking the relationship. But depending on the situation and the reasons behind not being completely truthful, gaslighting could be harmful to the other person and you may want to consider how to not do that anymore. You may already be considering it, especially if you feel gross and conflicted with the boundaries being crossed on your own values.



If you need any further help or advice that goes beyond the scope of this post, please reach out!

 

0 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comentarios


Sam Stone Therapy

I respectfully acknowledge that I am a settler on the unceded and ancestral territory of the syilx people, and I accept my responsibility to humbly educate myself and act for the advancement of decolonization on these lands. 

©2023 by Sam Stone Therapy. Created with Wix.com

bottom of page